Suicide is on the rise.

Unless you have been in the deep dark pit of depression, you will never know what it feels like.

Giving numbers to hotlines is a great help, but unless you follow up on those you care about, suicide is possible.

My friend killed himself and I have never felt worse about it.

I am beginning to see why he did it.


give a call, stop by, show you care...even if they don't get it....you will

What if...?

This is how it went down in my head:

A phone rings somewhere on a deserted national forest office. A figure in khakis runs into the office to grab the phone. 

“National Forestry service, how can I help you?”

“It’s time….We need to release them.”

The woman in khakis takes a deep breathe

 “Are you sure? Maybe something good can happen...”

“No, the time is now, we need them to act.”

“I will make the call”

She hangs up the phone and runs a hand over her face. She then opens a drawer and removes a cell phone. There is only one number listed. She activates the number…

“Teen Vogue, how may I direct your call?”

“Activate code Juggalo”

“But…they are untested, we can’t...”

“JUST DO IT!”

“….confirmed…”

The phone goes dead. The woman in khakis drops the phone back in the drawer. And walks to the window overlooking the forest.

“Heaven help us all”"

2016 was not been a very good year for most people. Many of my childhood performers  passed away and financial troubles have been knocking at my door for the better part of the year. Yet I still managed to have hope. It has been difficult and trying on my heart and head. It isn't just the holidays, but just the world in itself. So instead of being down, i am going to try to focus on the good.

1) my kids--They are the most awesome and destructive creatures of nature I can ever imagine. I have four wonderful kids, ranging in age from 21 to 8. They make me laugh when I am having a terrible day and also make me want to cry with frustration. The two youngest are great little guys and give me all the love I can take. My teenage daughter is this hurricane hovering off the shore of peaceful family interaction, but she is turning into a wonderful person. My oldest survived being the hurricane and is well on the road of being an awesome adult who still loves his family and knows that his family loves him.

2) my job/business--I enjoy comics. I love introducing people to new books and reformed heroes and heroines. I LOVE the fact that more and more comic book movies are in production or in theaters. I love how people think about different characters and how the movies portray them. I don't care for the way some people think that I am nothing but a chick working a register either hoping for a date or trying to steal a man...but that isn't often anymore as more and more people start to chill. Comics can be for everyone.

3)  my writing--good golly! maybe I should have some confidence in my writing. I enjoy it and should get going on it.

4) my photography- I enjoy and love finding new things (for me) to take pictures of and showing others what I have done. Again, need to kick myself in the butt and just do it.

5) Life in general---I have highs and I have lows, but that is just part of life. I have wonderful friends adn a loving husband (who also drives me nuts) and I am starting to like who I am. It is harder then you think. To like yourself or even to love who you are. Yet in the end you only have yourself for permanent company...so might as well be friends.

When you are growing up, adults never mention how hard it is. They tell you to enjoy life as a kid while you can, and remember the good times in high school. They don't mention how sometimes your closest friends fade away over the years or how bills start to dictate how you live your life. I admit, the time I grew up in was a time of weirdness and people throwing money around like drops of water. I thought that when I finally became an adult, things would be similar if not the same.

Boy was I way wrong....

Today, people now have to work up to 3 jobs just to get enough to eat. Health care has become a luxury item and illness that were once gone are coming back. Political views have gone from "lets help everyone" to "that's my money and why should I help you...you need to work harder". Depression is on the rise and people spend more time looking at their phones than actually talking to each other. In America, we test kids on repeated ideas instead of encouraging free thinking. We have  trigger warnings for people who are scared of the world instead of those who have been harmed and safe rooms where they get to complain how their feelings are hurt. We let white criminals go and punish other people for the color of their skin or their religious views. We have lost kindness and empathy and gained dishonesty and greed. We no longer look upon the poor and bleeding and think "How can I help?" but instead think "What is this going to cost me"

I see good people try to live and fall time and time again, not because they are not trying, but because they are not being bad. They are following the rules and being punished. The ones who lie and cheat and steal are the ones being rewarded with more wealth and more power. And in turn we are taught that good people will always lose, so why be good?

Why is the writing so hard? I can hear the whispers of the story in my head but when I sit to write it down my mind goes as quiet as an empty house. Nope, Nothing here but us no sounds. And then I sit and stare at the screen of the computer hoping that what I heard earlier comes back....and nope, nothing...So I pack up the computer and try not to overthink things and the second I see the computer turn off...BOOM! the sound in my head comes back and the characters are chatting up a storm. I can see who is talking and where they are having the conversation.. So I think that maybe I should use a notebook because electricity seems to slow the creative flow...but no. I open the notebook and I swear i could hear crickets.
No one ever seems to give writers much credit when it comes to creating stuff. I write comic books and that is a huge effort. Not only do I have to write to portray a story, but I have top do so in a way that the artist can understand what I want to illustrate. I don't write in script form and that's on me. I write in short story form and honestly my first artist got me so well, he turned a page and a half story into a 6 page comic with no problems and it was as if he saw it in my head. So I know that my stories are telling the images I want.

The hard part is getting the damn thing written down in the first place.

Today was a horrible day.

I didn't know  anyone at the club in Orlando, but having a gay son put this tragic event in the front of my mind. He is old enough to go to clubs and to dance the night away and I am afraid that I will someday be one of those parents that hears about a shooting or something and wonder if my son will be answering the phone when I call him or if I will leave a message that will never reach him. Or maybe one day I send my kids to school and then I get a phone call or hear the news that something has happened and my kids are now gone.
And that is wrong.

No Parent should wonder if their kid goes out, are they going to even come home? It isn't just clubs and alleyways...It is schools, movie theaters and malls. It's where people gather that someone comes along and feels slighted or bothered by something that they feel is a slight to them personally.

And it's not just what they use, but how they think they are using it. They think they are making a just and true statement of how things are. But the reality is that they have no idea how the world is functioning outside their closed off minds. And that is the scariest thing of all.

Because they just don't care.....

So yes I am for tougher rules for obtaining guns. People have proven that most cannot be trusted. So please stop giving them the chance to prove that. Stop making parents wonder if they will ever hear from loved ones again. Stop having people live in a state of fear from everyone around them just to make a few extras bucks. I don't care if you have guns as long as you have followed the rules and most gun owners who know the rules should be the first people in line to support the idea of holding others that don't care, responsible for their actions.

I just want to badness in peoples hearts to stop. We are all  different and instead of fearing or hating those differences, we really should be learning from them.

A little adventure coming soon

Looks like I am heading back down to San Diego this year for Comicon.  I was able to go last year due to a wonderful friend and this year he is helping out again...Con Buddies are the best! I enjoy my little adventures away from family simply because I can be a little crazy with people who are just a little bit crazy as well.
I think that's one thing I regret that I didn't do when I was younger...going on adventures. We moved around a bit when I was a kid and I found that I really enjoyed new things. I had plans when I finished school to travel the world and just enjoy different cultures and lands...but life had other plans. I ended up having a wonderful son and then married with 3 more kids. I finally made it to England before my 30th birthday and had hoped to make it to Paris before my 40th, but no such luck on the Paris trip.
So instead I try to do little mini trips, sometimes with family and sometimes without. We haven't had a good family trip in a while, but that has to do with lack of funds. I want to try to take the kids out and do things around the town and various other areas. I might even try to introduce some easy hiking trips with different destinations...forest, falls, or lakes.
 And I really have to work on writing a little bit more everyday.